Tom Hapgood

Facebook is That Thanksgiving Table Nightmare

October 7, 2010 on 12:53 pm | In Announcement, Facebook, Musing, Twitter | 6 Comments

I want to continue to like and enjoy my friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances. I really do, which is why I’ve hidden many of them from my Facebook news feed. I want to continue to use Facebook because I see the potential. Ultimately, I think Facebook will do much more harm than good to many friendships, much like a disastrous Thanksgiving meal can erupt into emotional chaos.

For years, we Americans have hunched around the Thanksgiving dinner table with friends and family discussing benign subjects while avoiding divisive and contentious topics. Many of the people in attendance we haven’t seen for most of the year, if not for many years, and it’s truly wonderful to see them. We love them and they love us and it’s great to catch up. There is a comforting spirit of peace and ease, mixed with a comforting mountain of turkey and peas. It is truly a warm and fulfilling time and we discuss mutually interesting topics.

Break down
It continues, of course, until Uncle Harry burps up something squarely in the realm of the forbidden topics of politics, sex or religion, as if everyone at the table naturally is in complete agreement. The candles suddenly sputter out as the room is thrown into darkness, the temperature drops 20 degrees and Grandma shatters the platter of green bean casserole all over the kitchen floor. That congenial atmosphere is gone as if it never existed, as Niece Ashley picks up the proverbial gauntlet from the bowl of cole slaw, and, peppered with sophisticated words she’s learning in college, challenges Uncle Harry on the fuddy duddy hyperbole. Suddenly, witches are flying in through the windows, everyone is drawing their sabers, Grandma is face-down in the casserole on the kitchen floor and Mom’s essence is draining right out through her shoes onto the shag carpet.

The Facebook Feast
Facebook used to be a feast and a gathering place for me. All my friends and family in one place, communicating. It was as if the people from all the epochs of my life had died and we were all together again in the post-mortal world of spirits, and it was wonderful. Worlds were colliding in a positive and clever way, and I was seeing pictures of my old high school friends with the reminiscences of the summer nights full of Camaros, mullets and Funyuns. The compartmentalization of time periods was suddenly open for simultaneous, non-linear enjoyment, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Anti-social Network
I enjoyed it until many people became Uncle Harry or Niece Ashley. The willingness to broadcast trite, usually uninformed conclusions about very serious and deeply held beliefs of others seems to easily outweigh the risk of harming the actual relationships, and they don’t seem to care. Suddenly, someone’s almost certain myopic and uneducated view of various topics in, say, politics, sex and religion are preached without the slightest worry of offending. The people at the Thanksgiving table have always represented the widest spectrum of beliefs, but the beliefs were held in reserve for the sake of civility and courtesy. Very little convincing and changing of beliefs, in my opinion, happened over the dinner table or happens now through improper and loaded social network postings. In the ridiculing delivery method many people use, it’s not a sharing of beliefs. It’s not causing pondering and reflection. It is alienating.

The question is: is the present usage of social media tools ruining more relationships than strengthening them? Or maybe it is simply fostering relationship stagnation? I think I have gotten to the point where I have many more people hidden from my News Feed than are still showing. Why? Because I like these people, even though we have differing beliefs. I have started to see too many reasons to not like them, and I don’t like how it makes me feel. The fact that I am a Christian doesn’t stop some of my “friends” or past-students from posting decidedly anti-Christian statements. The fact that I am conservative in many things, that my “friends” of course know about me, doesn’t seem to stop them from comparing me to the basest of idiots. The fact that I attend an “organized religion” (you know, where we focus on how to forget ourselves and serve others) is regularly mocked by my “Facebook friends” as they actively “like” their Facebook faux social causes.

Are we going to change each others’ core beliefs in throwing down hateful tweets? Hardly. A few years ago I posted some divisive, politically driven snippets on Twitter and Facebook, but I stopped. I believe in my relationships too much, maybe, and I believe in the power of tools such as Facebook for the potential to strengthen relationships. I have as many firm and fiery beliefs as the next person, but it is increasingly being proven that our need to be heard, and spout out to the world any of our beliefs is ultimately becoming more important than the originating relationships. That seems very disingenuous and selfish. As far as I can tell, we have not been given the permission to not be classy.

Shouting or Sharing
I’m sorry, I don’t buy it that social networking has become some sort of meaningful belief-sharing tool where everyone learns from each other while shouting. That can be accomplished, with proper non-combatitive wording and patience, and ideas can be shared and discussed, probably in person, maybe at a small, personal non-holiday gathering. However, under the definition of that stereotypical Thanksgiving dinner that we love, we have proven that that isn’t going to happen. Really, those in charge of the meal just want everyone to enjoy each other’s company and enjoy some good food. Save the heavy stuff for another time.